{April 23, 2006}   Runt

I am eternally the runt of any group I am part of – the last to be picked (if at all), the least pretty, the most insecure…you get the picture. I try not to show it but in all honesty, it is beginning to affect my demeanour…which for what it is, is rather sunny for the most part – though I'm beginning to realize that perhaps that too is a vaguely made up persona.

The other night, three girlfriends and I went out for a night on the town…My hair looked great, I looked hot, as did the other girls…When we got to the club, the bouncer checked one girls ID, commented on her name and returned it…Then he checked mine, looked at my face, and said "Actually you have to be over 25 to get in." – Bitch of the situation is that the first girl to get checked is even younger than I am – but because she is blond and skinny and pretty beyond words, her age didn't really matter.

Am I really so ugly?
I have always had issues with my looks – I'm too fat, I'm too dark, I'm too short…I've tried to overcome them, and just when I think of myself as pretty for a while, something like this comes up and it just reaffirms what all those kids in school teased me for…

Anyway, it put a damper on my entire mood for the night…
I also get depressed way too easily…perhaps I mustn't let stupid things bother me…but fact is, they do!
The opinion of one asshole bouncer should not matter should it? But it does…it does because it ISN'T just one bouncer – everywhere I go, everything I do, I am faced with challenge because I, in my appearance, do not conform to the standard, to the "norm" of what is beautiful and right and good…

Pick me up on your way down
When you're blue and all alone
When their glamour starts to bore you
Come on back where you belong.


{April 21, 2006}   Hello World

I want this blog to be unlike what I’ve written in the past – anonymous…but truthful.

I find that I often embellish in order to portray what I feel the reader may want me to be. Or want to hear of me. Or to seem “cooler” or “hotter” or “savvier”.
I’m learning quickly though, that there’s no such thing.
I’m ready to be honest with myself.
But for now, I need to hide behind my cloak of anonymity, in order to do that…In order to feel safe.

If you are here, you have found me by chance…not because I have come seeking you out.
I will invite no one here for this is to be my secret spot.
The spot where I can be naked and glorious and free to cry and share and be me without the watchful eyes of the eternally judging.
So, welcome…
To my life…
To my truth…
To me.

et cetera